made me chuckle

A man walks into a shop and says: "I'd like a windscreen wiper for my VW." The owner thinks for a few seconds and replies: "Ok, that seems like a fair trade."
 
Good deed done today.

This afternoon at the Morrisons checkout I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had £50. I thought she was probably someone’s nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my nan out if she was in this situation too. She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time at all we had all her shopping back on the shelves.
 
Barb bought some jalapeno flavoured pork scratchings today, I wondered if they were made out of Pepper Pig.
 
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice
"Play a jazz chord! play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts
"No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight in to
a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the
place apart.

The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts
"No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability
and shouts to him from the stage

" OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............

"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you... "
 
A little bit more palatable than the Cliff Richard joke with the "itchy fanny" request
 
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.
However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she’d shout.
"No, five pounds!" he'd say, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!”
He'd yell back, "no, five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood.
He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled; "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"
 
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip.

I’m John, he's Jim.

Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys"?

"Off to England next month," says John.

"We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

Bartender asks: Then why keep going to England ?

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
 
I read that the Pope really likes cats.............apparently he's a cataholic.....................!

Somewhere between murder and suicide you'll find Merseyside
 
For my holidays this year, I threw a dart at a map of the uk and decided to go to wherever it landed. I should a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board.
 
An unexploded WW1 bomb was yesterday safely detonated on land bordering the peacock estate Wakefield.
News of the disaster was swiftly distributed to all betting offices by the town's 35000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "What the chuff wer that?" and "Na then, wots guin on?".

The explosion decimated a large area of wasteland causing £30 worth of damage. Locally Several priceless collections of Franklin Mint and mementos from both Tenerife and the Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out cars were disturbed in nearby peacock Sounds levels reached an almost unbearable peak during the explosion when an estimated 14,000 Staffordshire Bull Terriers began barking in synchrony.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Ridings Fm reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Wakefield . One resident, 15 year old mother of three, Tracey Sharon Braithwaite, said, "It was such a shock my little Chardonnay Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning". Locals were determined not to be bowed as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

So far whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the areas to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the flytip have found large quantities of personal belongings including child benefit books, CSA claim forms and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, plus bone china from poundstretcher.

Can you help?
Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster.

Clothing is needed most of all - especially

* Burberry or Fila baseball caps
* Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)
* Shell suits (female)
* White sports socks
* any product sold at Primark

* new dog leads suitable for Staffordshire Bull Terriers

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference. Microwave meals, tinned beans, Netto ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal. Please do not give anything that needs peeling.

Remember
* 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims
* £2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy alco pop drink for a family of 9
* £5 will pay for a packet of B & H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves.

Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russells.

Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing will cause discontent in the surrounding community
 
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