made me chuckle

A man walks into a shop and says: "I'd like a windscreen wiper for my VW." The owner thinks for a few seconds and replies: "Ok, that seems like a fair trade."
 

PaulJL

Well-Known Member
Good deed done today.

This afternoon at the Morrisons checkout I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had £50. I thought she was probably someone’s nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my nan out if she was in this situation too. She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time at all we had all her shopping back on the shelves.
 

PaulJL

Well-Known Member
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice
"Play a jazz chord! play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts
"No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight in to
a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the
place apart.

The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts
"No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability
and shouts to him from the stage

" OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............

"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you... "
 

PaulJL

Well-Known Member
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.
However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she’d shout.
"No, five pounds!" he'd say, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!”
He'd yell back, "no, five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood.
He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled; "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"
 

PaulJL

Well-Known Member
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip.

I’m John, he's Jim.

Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys"?

"Off to England next month," says John.

"We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

Bartender asks: Then why keep going to England ?

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
 
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