made me chuckle

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

"Well“, says the boss, if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“
The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, but we’re missing an office cleaner. Do you have something to do with that?”

The cannibals swear that they are innocent.
The boss believes them and leaves the office and they all turn to their leader.

“You idiots!”, he screams. “Who ate the cleaner?”

One of the cannibals sheepishly raises his hand.

“You fool!”, shouts the leader.

"For weeks we've been feasting on directors, team leaders, project managers and human resource staff, and then you go and eat someone they'll actually miss!"
 
Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts, and believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.
 
15 years ago today my mate came running out shouting 'It's a boy' with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand again.
 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer. "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., Give me £20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"..the old lady said...... "well, Not everybody wants to pay."
 
A confident, large woman in a sleeveless sundress strolled into a bar, raising her right arm high. The gesture revealed an exceptionally hairy armpit, which she displayed without hesitation as she called out, “Which one of you fine gentlemen will buy a lady a drink?”

The room fell into an awkward silence as patrons suddenly found their glasses and tables very interesting. But from the far end of the bar, a heavily intoxicated man banged his fist on the counter and slurred, “Get the ballerina a drink!”

The bartender, stifling a chuckle, poured her a drink, which she downed with gusto. Not missing a beat, she repeated her performance, raising her arm and declaring, “Who’s buying the next round?”

Once again, the drunk enthusiastically pounded the bar and yelled, “Another drink for the ballerina!”

Unable to contain his curiosity, the bartender leaned over and whispered, “Hey, it’s your money, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?”

The drunk turned to him with a lopsided grin and said, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has gotta be a ballerina!”
 
Movie pitch:

A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live in and around the mouths of alpacas
Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

LLAMAGEDDON
 
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