1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the work bench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
say, "Ouch..."
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
6. VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
7. ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after
you have installed your new front brake setup, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the front bumper.
9. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4x2: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.
10. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
11. GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
12. STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
13. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
14. ½ " x 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.
15. ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a
car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
16. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
17. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Detroit, and snaps them off.
18. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
19. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
20. HAMMER:OR "IRISH MICROMETER": Use as an alternative to buying dark nail varnishes.
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
21. STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
boxes containing seats and flying jackets.
22. WIRE STRIPPER: A tool designed to cut through the wire core, leaving it 1/2 inch too short (see hose cutter)!
I'm glad to say I'm familiar with all these 'tools'
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the work bench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
say, "Ouch..."
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
6. VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
7. ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after
you have installed your new front brake setup, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the front bumper.
9. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4x2: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.
10. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
11. GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
12. STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
13. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
14. ½ " x 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.
15. ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a
car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
16. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
17. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Detroit, and snaps them off.
18. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
19. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
20. HAMMER:OR "IRISH MICROMETER": Use as an alternative to buying dark nail varnishes.
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
21. STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
boxes containing seats and flying jackets.
22. WIRE STRIPPER: A tool designed to cut through the wire core, leaving it 1/2 inch too short (see hose cutter)!
I'm glad to say I'm familiar with all these 'tools'
