I once dated a girl who broke up with me because I only have 9 toes. Yes, she was lack-toes intolerant.
I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that's humerus.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.
Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?
Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!" The leader replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand-up chameleon."
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.
Just spoke with Bill Withers and told him "Ain't No Sunshine" is bad grammar. He said, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know."
Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one.
Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court... it was a brief case.
How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it's on the house.
Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.
Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That's right...Jack and the beans talk.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivore.
I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.
Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That's right. The steaks were pretty high.
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.
"I am entering" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how.did you do?"
"First Place," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine." Half an hour later, he returns with tears pouring from his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who on earth is Boris Johnson ?" asked Pinocchio.
I was in the Supermarket recently, and that lass on check-out, she had a face like a slapped arse and all the charisma of a half eaten pancake.
I came to pay, I had only bought a tin of mackerel but had no change.
"Sorry this is all I've got love," as I handed her a £20 note.
"Ant tha gorr owt smaller, 'cos it'll take all my change, and I don't wanna count £18.97?" she replied and pulled a stroppy face.
"I've got nowt else, if that helps," I replied... she didn't get it so I thought reyt!, I'll pay by card.
"Shall I pay by card?" I asked.
"Don't do me no favours," she snapped.
I kept my cool and just put my PIN in.
"Cash back?" she asked sarcastically.
I couldn't resist it...
My wife asked me if she should be worried about my drinking. I said do you want the short or long answer? She said I might as well take the long one. I said -